Ah , irony . It is as delicious as turkey . And Thanksgiving – the daytime we tender thanks for all the things we have – is perhaps the most dry of American holidays , in that it is straight off succeeded by Black Friday , the mean solar day wetrample hoi polloi to deathin pursuit of all the things we want ( which is more or less how it happened back when it start out , with the Indians , too ) . Yes , as our chubby , windfall - stain hands click the video away from theme of terrorist attacks and over to football , it is hard not to wonder quiet if the ending times are upon us , and if we do n’t deserve them . Well , they probably are , and we almost for certain do . But in keeping with the spirit of irony , here are some reasons to be grateful for the inevitable Revelation of Saint John the Divine .
http://gawker.com/5099813/wal+mart-employee-killed-in-black-friday-stampede
We will lose weight ! Americans are disgusting , and this is bear out by the fact that the only meaning advances we have made in the 21st century are ( 1)getting outlander to answer the telephone for usand ( 2)combining fry chicken , mashed potato , cheese , and gravy into a single foodstuff . Except for those of us who are discombobulate up three time a Clarence Day , we all weigh at least 400 pounds . Well , you fat blinking fuck , once the eschaton has been immanentized , no one will ever be able-bodied to call you a productive blinking shag again . Because either you will have burned off all that weighting flee from the ravening horde , or they will have eaten you .
We will have horses ! Even before Last Day arrives , you will not be able-bodied to persist your car anymore , because flatulency will be more expensive than water supply , which in turn will be only slightly less expensive than your eyes . And then , even if you manage to get some throttle , you wo n’t be able-bodied to drive anywhere , on accounting of having traded one or both of your eye for body of water . You will require a knight . You will name it “ Steel ” or “ Charger ” or “ Lemondrop , ” or , if you are wise , nothing at all , because finally you will have to eat it .
We will interpret books again ! If you , like me , are find it inconceivable to terminate , or even well begin , your blank - opera novel Pothead Space Ninja because there is just so much Internet to look at every 24-hour interval , take nub ! On Third Earth ( which is what we will call our globe , in an exploit to maintain our sense of childish wonder ) , there will be no Internet to look at at all . There will in all probability be no paper either , or alphabet . The best stories will only be tell by old men or woman sitting in front of a fervency , as the Ancient Ones intended .
Steampunk ! Steampunk only produce sense when it is congeal in the shattered stiff of a technologically modern society — but then it makes perfect sense . We will use crude lamps , and our Turing machines will be power by winding cranks . We will need deep coats and kick to protect us from the weather and radioactive fallout and the ravening hordes . We will all deport truncheons . We will all bear goggles .
Swords ! Bullets will come at a agio , and so those of us who are too beneficial for truncheons will carry swords rather . They will be made from the stiff of our cars , which will examine to the benefit of those folks who are still buying American right on now , rather than a European or Japanese import , because surely , in effect gas mileage with the import , but who wants a fictile brand ?
We will have undefended relationships ! Sort of ! You , reader , will want to check that that you have a blade , and that it is n’t a plastic one , because all those halting social More and rule that make it so operose to sleep around today will be rendered disused in a matter of week . If you are male , plan on like a shot establishing yourself as a “ chief ” or “ warlord ” or “ only aesculapian doctor around for mi , ” because : harem . If you are distaff and for some reason not interested in a career in the concubinal liberal arts , set yourself up as a wandering warrior woman . think not to give your ticker , or your purity , to any humankind but the one who can best you in single combat , or you ’ll get a reputation as the erratic warrior cleaning lady who ’s kind of a slovenly woman . Even in the future , some affair will never change .
We will really appreciate things ! “ We all necessitate , ” write W.H. Auden , “ but I doubt if anyone can really say why all age - grouping should find our age quite so repugnant . ” Gloomy , but I consider he has a point in time : No matter how many Wii DVD we have on our MySpace headphone , a sorting of emptiness pervade modern-day life . Post - Ragnarok , though , as we pose around celebrating the Great High Harvest — our swords sheathe , the gymnastic horse fed and asleep , our sparse wife with their goggles pushed atop their heads — and an old valet de chambre in front of the fire treat us with tarradiddle of the battles of the web stars , we will be truly thankful for all that we have . At least until the ravening hordes show up and eat us .
Commenter Moff ’s real name is Josh Wimmer , and he can ordinarily be found atscribblescribblescribble.com/blog .
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